Deflected Affection – Limited Affection

It took me years within a relationship where my touch, and loving affection or playful sexual suggestions or any attempts to seduce were always turned away, for me to consider that was not normal, nor was it conducive for building a lasting fulfilling romantic relationship.

I was limited from expressing my love.  My desires were shut down and rejected 100% of the time.

I was not allowed to need or want any contact, connection, affection or love.  If I did and expressed it I was systematically deflected.  Which is just not a normal balanced rhythm within a love relationship.

Consciously or not, it was a manipulative tactic for my partner to always take the upper and reject me if I moved even the slightest bit towards him, in bed, in daily life, even if I called him on the phone.  So I learned to not reach since any reaching toward him on my part led to rejection.  I got what I termed, "The Dead Bug" response if I leaned towards him for a hug, or reached out to sooth or rub his back at night, his response was to recoil, contract his muscles and draw his curled fists up to his shoulders and  declare he was too ticklish.

The odd thing was as long as he wanted affection or contact, or when he felt horny, none of this was a problem. He could ask for massages and receive them when he was willing.  His reaction to me only happened when I reached towards him. He could not bare me reaching out to him, because he saw it as my needing or wanting something from him.  So I never got the satisfaction of having sex when I really wanted it, because it was an automatic rejection if I let him know I was interested.  He would say, "I am not your sex object".  If I called him he was never interested in speaking over the phone, he either refused to answer for days and weeks at a time in the beginning it was often for a few months, or he was often rude and cold in tone and content.  He would say, "I don't need to hear from you.  I don't need to be reassured you love me" or "yeah, what do you want!?" in an obnoxious tone.  So I learned to not call him.  No matter how many times I gave up and let go figuring it was over, eventually he called me.  I had a hard time rejecting him, because I knew what it felt like.  And that was the unspoken conditioning that played out.

He had to have the control over when and how much contact we had, which just did not feel reasonable nor fulfilling to me.  It caused me a lot of pain and I brought it to his attention many times.  It became the reason for dissolution a number of times, he just could not ever be responsive to me if I wanted or reached.  A good percent of who I am was shut down and not allowed in that relationship.

Eventually I began to see that any form of control across the board like that is a way to declare power over another, to control them, to control the relationship.  Insisting on power over another sets up a hierarchy a power that can be implemented at any time to withhold any divvied out affection.

Enduring Repeated Emotional Abuse

One of the hardest challenges of enduring repeated emotional or physical abuse within an ongoing relationships is not being able to easily get away from it. As well as enduring the isolation that comes from not knowing where to get help. Or running out of sufficient help, because it is hard to get frequent enough counseling from professionals.  And friends and family do not like to hear about it; it is too personal and it makes people uncomfortable.  They don't want me to suffer and they can't understand why I do not take better care of myself and prevent the abuse.  As if it is easy to start or stop the behavior of another.  Besides if I talk about what really goes on, they will start to hate the perpetrator.  I don't blame them.  It is easy to do, not helpful, and dangerous.  Harmful actions that arise from hate are no better than abuse.  It's better to break the cycle of violence from the inside.  To heal within versus lash out and harm others.

I stop talking to many friends, about the ongoing abuse I endured, because I dreaded seeing that look on their face as if their minds were assuming I did something despicable to deserve it.  And if they do listen because they care, they will not be open to hearing about it much more than once.  They want it instantly handled by disposing of the connection that leads to it.  No matter what the extenuating circumstances. And if I don't act as they would to end it, they will treat me like I brought it all onto myself and I should know better.

When young kids are abused reporting it can lead to separated families with kids removed and put into foster care.  That threat alone can lead to children enduring damaging situations in order to not be away from their families or for the fear of being placed in a potentially worse environment, in foster care with strangers with whom there is no bond.

As an adult, people just expect me to know better and deal with it so it does not go on.

Some how abuse, once known is a deal breaker – at least for those not used to enduring it.  For those used to it, we can figure abuse will simply come regardless of who is with us – as if the whole world is only full of hurtful unconscious people.  It can seem to those abused that our skin is too thin and we are much to sensitive to how people make remarks and insults, that might be too subtle for most people to notice. Yet maybe we also witnessed our own parents power struggles and spousal abuse so we have years of fine tuning our radar for the next emotional blow out.

As a recipient of abuse, it is easy to run out of places to turn to process the painful upsets which can lead to a degraded sense of self for holding so much of it inside, for too many years.  Out in the world it can seem like few people know what it feels like to receive abuse, to try hard to not take any of it personally and also not put up with it, when all resistance to it only escalates into fights, violent exhausting struggles for better balances of power. Respect no one should have to fight to have.

Put Downs, Insults and Name Calling

Here are some of the comments I never want to hear from someone I care about who seemed to love me:

"You're broken!"  

"What's wrong with you?!"  

"That never happened!"

"You're a Pitbull!" 

Perhaps you have some of your own least favorite disturbing comments.  How have you addressed this kind of insults or comments in your life?

Why are these comments hurtful?  

Name calling, put downs, and insult, are assertions of power that imply: 

"I am bigger and stronger and know better what is true than you do.  I am too much of a jerk to work with you cooperatively.  By not being kind to you now I am displaying I cannot be trusted to be kind to you in the future, and I like making you wonder to what extent of harm I will implement – I will have the power advantage for showing you I will harm to get what I want.  Therefore you will understand you are less than: weaker; less important; less valued...which will help you follow and submit to anything I want – If you don't (you understand) I will likely HURT you !"  

Putdowns and contradictions present an assumed inflicted authority above another, as does name calling.  They can create self doubt and degrade self esteem, which can lead to further abuse, due to a degraded ability to stop or prevent abuse.

Insults send me self checking, about my responsibility or flaws, that could degrade my worth in another's eyes.  I self check how I am broken, how I show up broken even if I am not, and how that is a problem for others.  Which preoccupies me in a spiral of shame and undeserving.

A person who worries about losing the affectionate graces of another is much more likely to self check or mind their own flaws than a self assured person.  Picking at or insulting another is a manipulative power munger tactic, it disempowers the one being picked on and allows the upper hand to be taken by the person delivering the insults.

Becoming grounded in myself, who I know myself to be including permission to be or get angry, and not fear indefinite banishment.  As well as understanding my deep desire to be loved and not rejected, helps me make better choices and not spend time with people who have trouble being careful or compassionate.

Letting Go Of The Shame That Does Not BelongTo Me

In my effort to heal, I keep finding ways to let go of the shame about what happened to me that I could not prevent.  

One way to air out shame is to bring events out of the hidden darkness and shed light on them. I got help seeing it all in a new light by talking to my family, friends, and many counselors, as well as reading stories of how others regained their  strength and self esteem.  Fostering self forgiveness of how I was unable to prevent it at the time, as well as learning productive ways of preventing it in the future, and using that knowledge helps me have faith that the future is brighter than what I endured in the past.

Bring the facts forward and say: This happened.  As a kid, people did things to me I did not like or want yet I felt too young and too scared to take a stand for myself.  I did not have the tools nor where-with-all to take preventative action to stop or try to stop them.  I can forgive myself for not knowing any better, I was just a kid, a scared frightened child. Being afraid of being hurt or further tortured set up a detrimental dynamic that led to further violent and sexual abuse.  And not being able to prevent it led to me being ultra sweet in order to be liked enough to not be hurt by others.  

A a child and young adult, my best attempt at preventing further harm was to accentuate being sweet and angelic, a good little girl – a personality that did not protect me then nor now.  As a child, I was not strong enough to risk getting hurt to fend off unwanted advances, or physical harm.  And because I hated fighting, I chose to be a pacifist at the age of nine.  I hated competitions because I too often lost, and did not want another to feel defeated either.  I hoped most people were basically good, and they would behave.  As a child, I decided surrendering was a better option than the potential of greater harm.  In times of great challenge, I did not even have a choice, I was so frightened I froze, which left me with no choice, voice nor ability to move. 

I used to be afraid of people knowing my past for the fear they would judge and blame me.  I noticed as a child, people often blamed the kids who were abused and taken advantage of – as if it was their fault.  In my heart, I knew the abuse of power I endured was not my fault.  The abuser is to blame.  Let the abuser wear the shame, feel deep regret for actions taken.  Let the abuser repent and make amends.

For most of my life I kept what happened to me inside out of fear of making my life or others lives much worse.  I saw how hard it would be to endure being blamed for painful situations while struggling to navigate good healthy steps forward, so I kept a lot of my painful experiences to myself for a long time.  At some point I had to open up and vocalize what happened and how it hurt.  I looked at the deeply imbedded fears and untangled the erroneous logic those experiences taught me.

Too much of life can be spent in a vacuum, churning over the harm from the past.  Healing involves building confidence that we understand the dangers and how to avoid past patterns of painful interactions in order to have more fulfilling lives.

Sometimes Abuse is Difficult to Identify or Prevent

Most people would easily recognize blatant abusive behavior, and consciously, out of self preservation, easily and proudly steer clear of spending time with people who inflict it.

Sometimes abuse is difficult to identify.  Sometimes it is subtle, and can begin as a simple assertion of power, that later turns into unchecked overpowering gestures or insulting tones and words, threats of discomfort, or future discomfort become a manipulating force that can be abuse.

Sometimes even when an abuse is decisively identified as entirely hurtful and problematic, it is still difficult to prevent or get away from because we cannot control other people and what they do, and it may just not be practical to remove ourselves from people we love, are partnered with or want to be with, in order to remain safely away from those inflicting the abuse.

Sometimes those doing the abuse promise to change, and sincerely try to do better.  Sometimes inflictors do not care enough to learn what they are doing in order to prevent harm.

Tolerating any kind of abuse is a high price to pay for love, affection companionship, or the promise of a partnered life or cohesive family. Sadly, those of us who have endured abuse of any kind for long periods of time are the most susceptible to having it continue or repeat.

For those of us particularly susceptible to receiving it, learning how to identify imposed power, and how to gracefully reorient and rebalance the power, of self in relationship to other, when abuse shows up, is an ongoing challenge.  Graceful mastery of resetting these moments to a respectful balance of power is much more enjoyable than spirited escalating arguments and aggravated violent fights, or surrendered resignation and acquiescence

Healing from abuse requires stepping away from detrimental patterns of inflicted subordination that are not healthy nor sustainable.

Being Abused Shaped Me

Being abused shaped me.  It robbed me of my confidence, my self worth and my trust in the universe.

It leads me to give too much, to be a door mat, and easily be taken advantage of.  It leads me to want you to like me (in hopes you won't hurt me).  

Due to the abuse I have endured, I fear upsetting you.  I doubt my own strength.  I know no matter how strong I am, I can be rendered vulnerably paralyzed by fear.  

Due to being abused, I suffer long term PTSD as well as debilitating nervous system disorders.

I fear being afraid because I know it can lead to my being immobilized, petrified, incapable of struggling, yelling or escaping due to the reaction pattern deep in my nervous system that shuts me down, makes me mute and unable to move.

My whole life revolves around recovering from imposed imbalances of power, reframing and sorting out all the upsets regarding this painful dynamic, recognizing how it plays out in everyday life, as well as doing what I can do now to change and improve the end result and thrive.

I work on recovering from it all the time.  I aim to see and make the best out of these discrepancies of power.  I seek ways of healing from the imbalances between those with power who abuse it, and those who are intimidated and struggling to not remain controlled.

My aim is to grow beyond this discord and help others as well.